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That Time I May Have Given Pinkeye to a Customs Agent

Uncomfortably Close at Customs: Sound Advice From a Fellow Toker

I have some free advice to share—a life hack in several parts, if you will.

Should you ever have the opportunity to visit and return from a foreign country, like say—oh, I dunno—Jamaica, these little tidbits may be useful.

When heading back to the States, make certain you aren’t bringing any contraband, either on purpose or accident. Other than the legal issues, there is no reason to bring sand to the beach. The drugs already in the USA are better.

Should you get pulled aside for additional screening by US Customs, that’s ok. It is their job. Try to take it in stride.

**These next bits are of particular importance**

If the customs agent says you smell like marijuana, it is best to remain quiet or say that you were unaware. Never respond with, “Well, I did just leave Jamaica; I am pretty much sweating resin!”

If you happen to accidentally respond with the latter and the customs agent decides to perform a cavity search, try to maintain your composure. For the fastest end to the situation, just follow directions. They will ask you to drop trou, bend over, and open your ass cheeks. No matter how much you need to, no matter how much you want to, no matter how funny you think it might be, do not fart square in the face of the customs agent while you are bent over holding your ass cheeks apart.

If you do accidentally fart while you are bent over holding your ass cheeks apart, whatever you do, do not exclaim afterward:


This tends to really piss off a customs agent and there is a good chance they will force you to get dressed, put you in handcuffs and explain to you that farting square in the face of a customs agent could get you charged with a felony assault. No kidding, farting in the face of someone with their face inches from your puckered ring can get you a ‘felony assault on a federal agent’ rap.

If you do happen to make an offhanded remark that gets you cavity search—and you accidentally fart square in the face of a customs agent—and ask him if he has got a good look—and you get handcuffed and told you might get charged with felony assault—and the customs agent whose face you farted square upon takes you aside still handcuffed and tells you, “If I wasn’t a federal agent I would kick your fucking ass for that stunt!!!!” whatever you do, do not respond with, “If you weren’t a Federal agent what scenario would bring your face so close to my naked asshole?”

There ya go; free advice. Follow this advice and there is a good chance a customs agent won’t “accidentally” bump you into a wall or “accidentally” tighten your handcuffs prior to removing them—or search for a bullshit reason to hold you up and fuck up your day.

Golly, ‘Merica. Sure missed this place. It’s good to be home.

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